Is this another opposite truth? ~ I'm confused ~

Sorry for have mistaken you, mistaken your feelings and mistaken your words. I am actually afraid of having mistaken you so many things because this shows that there are something being secretly growing inside me, within my sensitive heart...

Towards one end, I am really happy that you have the thought about me inside you for at least up to this moment. However, towards another end, I am afraid that you will be too serious about this and so do I.

Everyone knows that this should not be the case, not to have those words to promise for an unknown trip, to promise for a memorable gift, to tell me that you have the dream about me…

There are sooooooooo many questions that I want to ask you.
When does this all happen?
What actually you want?
Why it is me?
How should I do?
Who to start, to blame, to stop?
Where would you bring me? …
But I just do not have the chance to ask you, by knowing your status…

All of these live in a dark secret within me and the virtual you… I do not want a prince of darkness. I’m looking for someone who I can really own and concretely living in my life, even though he is not a prince, cause I’m not a princess too…

I want concrete love! Not a virtual reality!

A truth? ~ Speechless ~

I do not want to reply your message again!
A pathetic kindness –
Kindness that is being replaced by unwanted disturbing note!
Am I too kind?
Or are you too harsh?
I should have known through the warnings given by those who really loves me~
I’m so sorry…
But I know now is still not too late to realize all these…
Take this as a teaching point
I will learn better
Be more aware
And understand that I am still too young to judge the masking world~

Sleepless night~ai~

A tiring night, yet I can’t sleep…

Thinking of you…

Thinking of your protective way in rejecting my freedom…

Thinking of my own behavior in going against your kind urge…

Thinking of SOooooooooooooooooooo many things that flooded my mind, my heart and blinded my rationality…

Balancing between love n friendship

Freedom

What is this? Freedom that ends with the presence of love?

Am I too fragile to face those freedoms alone? Am I not to be trusted by you? Or the people out there cannot be trusted by you?

I know what you are afraid of. I distinctly know. But my dear, have you ever care for how do I feel? Having love doesn’t mean to end other friendship that sustain online… Others do the same.

And I know you care for me… but trust me, my love is only to you, no other one else. Those are just friendship that I wish to continue… I know that silent killer is luring behind all friendly acquaintance, but, again, trust me, I know who I am meeting with and I promise you, I will take good care of myself whenever I’m out…

I love you more than everything… but please do give me some freedom… and I want you to be happy, I don’t mean to hurt you as well~

Love, loaded love from me to you-dear!

I miss you SOooooooooooooo Much!

Missing you!

Missing you SO much…

It had been so long I have never seen you~
Though I know it is impossible to have this dream comes true
But today, yes, on today itself, finally I saw you…

You look the same, the same as you live in my sweetest memory
You still very much smiling at me
You still have the passion towards your work, burning passion
Though you seem not fit to do all these…

I was looking at you, asking you how are you
And suddenly blood flooded my vision…
Are you still there?
Where are you?

My dear grandpa, I miss you so much!!!
But I can now only see you in my dream – just like today~


I MISS YOU!

New Excitement = New Fear and Challenges, New Confusion

A mixture of feelings…
What am I looking for?
Am I confused?
I do not know.
I do not know…

The first step is already a fault. Yet, I just cannot resist to attempt for the second one though I distinctly understand that this is something against my own principle and own morality. I do know that this is an ugly, dark secret that will only silently creep out when the night is so quite, when there is no one there to notice, when I am not to be noticed…

You say it is nothing but just friendship. I feel more than that. I feel more because your words are sending out a different signal. Or is that my brain, my brain that has interpreted it differently as to be more than just … friendship? What do you mean by secret line? What do you mean by sweet? What do you mean by dear? What do you mean by miss? What do you mean by I have mistaken you?

I am scare. This is too secretive until I cannot take it. But I miss it. I miss what is happening. It’s a new excitement. But I understand it’s a red light excitement that if I continue with this immaturity, I will burn myself with the fire of excitement! Burnt to death!

I HATE it!

I want to STOP it!

MATURITY needs to be present in all excitement, in all dark secret and silent decision…

Spoil NO one, spoil No feelings, I CAN DO IT!

I am who I am

Thanks to your harsh way
Thanks to your egoism...

Now that I have a chance to practice forgivenss
To practice open-mindedness
To practice acceptance of own mistakes...

Thanks to your cold, humanless feeling
Thanks to your inconsideration...

Now that I have better understood who I am
Better understood that my heart is too soft for a world full of inconsideration and masking images

I am stronger now
As I understand myself better now - when one turns anger into forgivenss
The feeling is absolutely peaceful~
This is what a human like me is looking for
Again~ Thanks to your piercing words that send me a grade higher, that make me realize about the cruelty of this world!
^p^